things I wonder about

While waiting in the ER for a couple of hours, we had nothing better to do than talk. He told me about his various adventures out with his friends and funny stuff that happened in the last few weeks. It sounded like he was having a fun time. I was happy for him. I couldn"t help but think, why couldn"t we have done those things?

More than once while we argued he told me that he didn"t feel like he could have any friends. And for some reason he felt that he needed to keep us separate. I don"t understand why he felt that way. Of course I want him to have friends and go out. I"d like to join him too. It didn"t have to be every time but I"d like to be included sometimes. It would have giving us something to do on the weekends other than sit and stare at each other asking "what do you wanna do?" "I don"t know, What do you wanna do?" I like his friends the few times I talked to them. I don"t know why he didn"t think we could hang out with his friends together.

The "friends" I didn"t like him having were the ones that were flirting with him and he didn"t put a stop to. No one wants their significant other to have a "friend" like that. Those were the ones that wore down our relationship. Him being very secretive about what he was doing and who he was talking to worn down the relationship. He would get frustrated with me and tell me I was being too insure and jealous and nothing was going on. But how could I NOT feel that way when he was being so shady and secretive and keeping me in the dark about who he was talking to? I wasn't as insure when we started, and even though he didn't do it on purpose, I became that way. I KNOW he didn't cheat on me but it still made me uncomfortable.

All I wanted from him was to honest and open with me. I always told him about who I was going out with, who I was texting so that he would know that he was the only one I was interested in. He never had a problem with trusting me. But by the end of us, I had a little trouble with trusting him. That created a cycle. He would be all secretive and act weird, I would press him, he would get frustrated and clam up so I would press harder and he would not tell me anything. We would end up in a fight over something stupid.(most of the time it really was something silly) All I wanted from him was to be open and honest. If he was, we could have easily avoided a lot of our arguments and worked through our problems.

That"s not what happened, and this is where we are now. I don"t want this to be a blame post. I"m just trying to sort out what happened. I don"t hate him (obviously). I just want some clarity as to what went wrong. What was my part in it? How could things have been done different?

One of the last times we talked before I broke my foot. I apologized for a lot of things. Things he brought to my attention that I didn't see at the time. I now realized I didn't make it the easiest, but neither did he. I wish things were different but you can't turn back time. I hope we both learned something for the next time.

(I debated about putting this up. I don't want people to think of him negatively. He is a great guy. A few tweaks and he'd be perfect. Maybe one day after we've figured it all out... )