Sometimes holding on to hope just holds you back.

I've been really upset the last couple of weeks. I've been so heart broken over my ex. I haven't been eating, I haven't been sleeping and I'd cry at the drop of a hat. I was (foolishly) holding on to hope that we'd get back together. We had broken up a few times before and always seems to reconnect. When we broke up this last time, we both said this one felt permanent. We've never been good at break ups. We usually talked and saw each other while "broken up" which would lead to making up.

I'm not really sure what I was hoping for. Getting back together? Him realizing that I am the best girlfriend ever? He missing and wanting me as much I did him? While clinging to hope, my heart would jump and skip a beat and I'd say a little prayer that it would be him when my phone would get a text/call. Sometimes it was and I was so happy. Usually it wasn't and I'd be soooo disappointed. He would tell me how awesome I am and that he missed "us"and how he wish we could make it work. I'd be so excited. But the next day it was like it didn't happen and I'd be so hurt. I finally told him I can no longer talk to or see him unless we are together, it was to painful to almost have what I wanted only to be crushed again.

One of my facebook status updates said "I don't know which hurts more. Holding on to hope or realizing it won't happen." Both hurt more than imaginable but in this case I would say that hope was the worst. It made a fool of me every day. I knew I was acting foolish but I did it anyway.

While driving home and crying the other day, something clicked. I almost heard it out loud. It was time to let go of my hope. I was the only one fighting so hard for what used to be. It was strange. I stopped crying. I had been texting with a friend of mine and no longer hoped it was him when my phone went off. I relaxed and actually enjoyed dinner. (soup, I hadn't eaten in a full week so I had to start slow) I actually slept that night and woke rested! These days have been better, there is still some sadness. We had a lot of fun when it worked. I really was happy with him. (most of the time)

Don't get me wrong I would still love for him to "come to his senses" and realize that I'm the most amazing person he'll ever find and that no one will love him the way I did. And him making a grand gesture to win me back. (it wouldn't even have to be that "grand") But I will not be waiting on the side lines until that happens. If we are meant to be together we will be. But not now.

I had some if his things so I took them to him. He thanked me. I asked him for my heart back. A long time ago when I fell for him hard, I made him a stuffed heart. One side said "Abby's Heart" the other said "property of Kevin". I needed it back. Its a silly little act of symbolism but I know he doesn't have my heart anymore.