The truth always slips out

Today I found out something that made me feel all squishy inside.

Kevin and I have been together almost a year and a half. He ALWAYS rounds up 2 years. It bugs me so much! I can't really say why, but it does. Maybe because I don't want to rush things. I don't remember what we were talking about but Kevin said something about us being together for 2 years. I protested it again. Then he said "I'm proud of us being together and happy for so long. That's why I round up." I was really taken by surprise! I didn't know he felt that way. He didn't say it to "win". It just came out. That's when its the truth. When you just blurt it out.

As I was taking him home at the end of our day together, I asked him if he was really proud of us. He said "of course! You're the best girlfriend I ever had. " We've had our ups and downs but in the end we want to get together. He just makes me happy!

It took a fight and me pointing out that things were different for him to realize something was wrong.

After a day of frustrations and some self reflection, we came up with a new battle plan. We identified what the issue was. To quote G.I. Joe "knowing is half the battle". We are still a team.

I don't know why but I'm having trouble expressing myself today. I can't seem to get my thoughts in order. I don't what I want to say.

At least we are still happy together.

Tough times don't last, tough people do.

When the going gets tough, the though get going.

Life is full of challenges. What you do to over come them is up to you. You can lay down, and blames others for why your life is hard. OR you can stand up, band together and fight, knowing your partner has your back till the end.

I've been having a tough time lately. (its not that horrible. I don't love my job, but I'm trying to make do until I find something else) I'm trying to stand and fight. I'm looking to my partner for support. I'm starting to feel like I'm fighting alone. I try to talk to him but he doesn't want to talk about things.

What hurts is I'm always in the trenches with him. If I have to fight alone, fine. What I don't want to do is be fooled into thinking I can count on someone when I can't.

The worst thing you can do for love is deny it; so when you find that special someone, don't let anyone or anything to get in your way.

I don't remember the exact date we decided to get back together. It was a long time ago, but just happened at the same time. Things have been WONDERFUL! The way they should be. The way they were. The way we wanted it to be. The way we knew they could be. We knew it was there, that's why it was so hard for us to let go.

All the little things I wanted from him, he's doing. Its awesome! He gives me a warm squishy feeling inside. I love it. He tells me he loves me a lot (and first, not just in response), he holds doors open for me everytime. He is more affection it. He lets me know he's thinking about me and how much I mean to him. I am SOOOO HAPPY!

In the time we were apart I was sooooo miserable. I cried almost every day. I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't eating, I lost my sunshine. In the time we were apart, he hung out with his friends, met a few girls, spend some time alone. In the time we were apart we discovered how much we mean to each other. I pretended he didn't mean that much to me. He was cool to hang out with but I didn't like him that much (I was wrong). He realized that everything he's looking for in a woman was right in front of him the whole time. He realized he could lose me if he didn't act fast.

The ghosts of our pasts were haunting us. They created some of our actions, some of our fears, and definitely controlled our reactions. We were possessed by our demons. The time apart let us face them and exercise them. It took lots of self-realization on both parts to see what went wrong and how we can fix it.

Don't get me wrong, we still have some work to do. We remember the ghosts and the trouble the caused but we've got our proton packs and zap them when they get out of hand!

I LOVE YOU KEVIN!!

Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent. - Victor Hugo

Over the weekend, Kevin told me this song says how he feels about me =D


Beautiful girls all over the world, I could be chasing
But my time would be wasted, they got nothing on you, baby
Nothing on you, baby
They might say hi, and I might say hey
But you shouldn't worry, about what they say
'Cause they got nothing on you, baby (Yeah)
Nothing on you, baby (N-n-n-nothing on you baby, n-nothing on you)

I know you feel where I'm coming from
Regardless of the things in my past that I've done
Most of it really was for the hell of the fun
On a carousel, so around I spun
With no direction, just tryna get some
Tryna chase skirts, living in the summer sun
And so I lost more than I had ever won
And honestly, I ended up with none

It's so much nonsense, it's on my conscience
I'm thinking "maybe I should get it out"
And I don't wanna sound redundant
But I was wondering, if there was something that you wanna know
But never mind that, we should let it goCause we don't wanna be a t.v. episode
And all the bad thoughts, just let em go, go, go

[Chorus]

Hands down, there will never be another one (nope)
I've been around, and I've never seen another one (never)
Because your style, I 'aint really got nothin' on (nothing)
And you wild when you ain't got nothin' on? (haha)
Baby you the whole package
Plus you pay your taxes
And you keep it real, while them others stay plastic
You're my Wonder Woman, call me Mr. Fantastic
Stop- now think about it

I've been to London, I've been to Paris
Even way out there in Tokyo
Back home down in Georgia, to New Orleans
But you always steal the show
And just like that girl, you got me frozeLike a Nintendo 64
If you never knew, well, now you know, know, know

[Chorus]

Everywhere I go, I'm always hearing your name
And no matter where I'm at, girl you make me wanna sing
Whether a bus or a plane, or a car, or a train
No other girl's on my brain, and you the one to blame

[Chorus]

Music is what feelings sound like.

“There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.”

Its only been a few days since Kevin and I decided to get back together. We were both scared of falling into old habits or having the same fights.

So far things have been great! I can't remember the last time our relationship has been this good. We are happier together than before. He really has changed! I hope he feels that I've changed for the better too. I'm so excited at the possibilities.

I see that he's working hard to regain my trust. I see that he's making an effort to show me he cares. I see that he's trying his best to express his feelings. I see that he is serious about proving to me that he deserves me. I love it! I'm so happy.

We are both taking leaps of faith. We are both forgiving the past and letting it go. We both have to learn how to communicate with each other again. So far we're doing pretty good. It is like a brand new relationship with all the perks of familiarity. The spark is back.

Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and fans the bonfire.

If you're a regular reader of my blog and Facebook but I'm sure you've noticed some strange changes.

Things were going well with new guy. I like him. He was cool, funny, smart, sweet. So many things I wanted in a man. We were hitting it off. But he did have some negatives that weren't deal breakers but they made me wonder. He is 29 but I'd often think "oh yeah your ARE 29" sometimes I'd feel as if he was younger. He is very proud of his muscles and physique. That made me think he could be vain and narcissistic, maybe even a show off. He lived in Dallas. I can't ever remember being in a long distance relationship and I don't think I'd handle one very well. I like to spend time with my guy. He seemed very busy. If I didn't get to see him, I'd really want to talk to him but would he have time for that/me?

In the process of getting to know each other. I still had feelings for my ex Kevin. I didn't want too. I wished I didn't. But no one can control their heart. I was cleaning my car and apartment and I found MORE stuff that was Kevin's. While we weren't talking because it was to painful for me. Every now and then we'd texted each other. I let him know I had some more stuff to give him. (when you're together as long as we've been its hard to detangle your lives.) He asked me to lunch.

I was really awkward at first. I didn't know what to say, what to do. I certainly couldn't let him know that I was happy to see him and missed him. He asked me about new guy. I had posted a blog about him before I made it private. ( I forgot. I knew Kevin read my blog. I know he knew how I felt about our break up. That's why I had to make it private.) I started to tell him about new guy. He told me about his prospects. (That sucked) As the lunch went on, we both relaxed and opened up out what happened. Lots of things were different. We had a conversation that didn't end in a fight or someone mad or hurt. We were able to see the other person's point of view. We understood how the other felt. We discovered we both still had feelings for each other. (I knew I did, but I had no idea he did. I think he was surprised he did too. LOL)

In the time we were apart. We had time to reflect, grow and change. Thing that we pointed out in the other that we couldn't see. They were valid points. I could see how my actions contributed to the demise of the relationship. (I was jealous, I lost my spark, I could be a "mean girl" at times) He saw where he went wrong. And apologized! That meant so much to me. We hadn't had that good a time in a LONG time. He asked me out on a date. I said yes. (very hesitantly but still yes) That was our first real date. ever! When we met, we were classmates that got along. I'd help him with his Comp II papers. Later we were school friends. We'd see each other around and say "hi". Then he was my math tutor. We would stay in the library after class and he'd help me. Then we started hanging out more and longer. We just fell into being a couple. Our feelings became strong and apparent. We never actually "dated".

That was the best date ever! We had so much fun. We laughed we talked sooooo much like the way we used to in the beginning. It was wonderful. We spend the next day together too. Its officially been over a week. We've seen each other a lot and talked a lot. Not just about fun silly stuff. About the hard stuff, the stuff that lead to our break up. The stuff that we wanted in a partner. Kevin opened up to me in a way that he hadn't before. So many things changed in that time, lots of revelations for both of us. We are better people and happier with ourselves. We decided that we wanted to give it another try (yesterday). We both think we are too good together to give up. Things are much different in our dynamic. SO MUCH CHANGED for the better!

I haven't had the chance to let new guy down yet. I haven't be able to talk to him. He'd call when I can't talk or if I call/text he doesn't answer. He may be sensing that I've pulled away. I'd hate to leave him hanging but I can't get a hold of him.